9/11

When I was in 8th grade, my history teacher assigned a project that involved us going to our family members (especially grandparents) and asking them what the days were that they remember most vividly in their lives. From my grandparents I learn about their feelings as they lived through major world events like Pearl Harbor, the end of WWII, the Korean War, the death of JFK, the first man on the moon, the fall of the Berlin Wall and more.

I remember thinking then how lucky I was that I had no dates like that. Honestly, in 8th grade, there was not a single day or world event that stuck in my mind that significantly. I remember wondering how ANYONE could remember exactly what they were doing and how they were feeling on a certain day, especially one so far in the past. It wasnt until High School that I realized there are some days that are just burned in your brain.

I used to love to fly. Growing up my family always traveled. Sometime in 2000, I grew a sudden fear, and had no desire to ever get back on a plane again. On the way back from Cuba in spring 2000, I decided, in Florida of all places, that I was never getting on a plane again. This of course was a lie, since I lived in California, and still had a very long flight ahead of me. I flew again in summer 2001, each time having a panic attack when boarding the plane and for the first couple hours of the flight.

On Sept 11, 2001 my alarm clock went off at 6am. The breaking news was of a plane hitting the world trade center. Honestly, I had no idea what that was. I walked into my parents room and said "See, this is why I don't want to fly". They gave me a look, and said something along the lines of "I'm sure it was just a prop plane, nothing to worry about." I went back to my room, turned on the TV and watched the second plane fly into the world trade center. I didn't cry. I just stared at the screen in shock. Is this for real? What does this mean?

We went to school that day but nothing happened. We listened to the news on the radio and heard of the third and fourth flights that went down. We discussed the meaning of the events in all classes, and what they could mean. We felt lucky on the west coast.

I didn't cry all day, or even all week. That Friday I went to the movies with my then boyfriend, and we saw "Hardball", a movie about under privileged kids... one of whom dies at the end of the movie. I walked out of the theater in tears. Who knows why... for some reason that movie made me realize how real everything was.

Things have changed since then, and yet they havent changed. I'm living in a foreign country, but I still fight with my fear of flying every time I board a plane. I have a daughter, and part of me is fearful of the world she will grow up in. I watched the moments of 9/11 on the news again, and wondered that after 8 years the feelings of shock and fear are still there... yet in my daily life I can ignore the implications of the resulting wars, even here in the middle east.

I thank g-d for everything he has given me since that day, and for that fact that even now there are only one or two other major world events that I remember as vividly.

days go by

today was our farewell party. it was so great to see everyone who came. for most of them, it was also a chance to see Maya for the first time. its been hard these last couple days, knowing that we are packing up and leaving. it still doesnt seem real in a lot of ways, and I'm sure it wont for even a couple weeks after we arrive.

i keep thinking how lucky we are. both yehi and I have a family that loves us. and even though they span the globe, we live in an age where we can communicate daily, see each other live, and travel to see each other within a 24 hour span. while that seems like a REALLY long trip (and it is), it is still such a blessing. when my great-grandmother left Poland, her main wish was to get to israel... she ended up in the USA and loved it, but for her to visit israel would have been a major undertaking. boats, planes, snail mail... all of which i love, but nothing beats skype. i am thankful that we can do this without loosing touch with my family. it will still be hard, there is no question about that.

we are almost finished packing... we leave tmw, and have a 24 hour trip with a 3 month old. im not terribly excited... especially with my lovely fear of flying. if anyone wants to meet us in NY email me, we can say goodbye! ill post at least once more before i leave...

emotions

recently i have been worried about this whole aliyah thing. moving halfway around the world, as far away from my parents and family as one can get... well the guilt is pretty strong. i dont like the fact that I am taking a granddaughter away from my parents (although we will skype as often as possible), and i dont like not being able to share to day to day celebrations and milestones with them. i was worried that when the plane lands in israel i would feel none of the joy that comes with being there. maybe i would be the only person on the plane crying because i wasnt sure i was doing the right thing.

but i think i am doing the right thing. i was watching NBN videos yesterday, and that spark of joy came back watching people enjoy their aliyah. i know what this means. when i was studying in israel, even though it was hard, i loved that being jewish could just be a part of who i was. i didnt have to fight over holiday vacations, kosher food, meetings that run into shabbat... it just was, whether i needed it or not. i am now looking forward to the move again. i know that the pain of leaving my family is there, and its important. but we can do this... and we should be doing this. for now it is what is right for my new little family. and the joy of transportation today means we can visit my family more often...

now if only we didnt have to fly to get there. i hate flying!